Sally had been home from college for about a month when she came up to me one Sunday with an angry frown on her face. “If I hear that one more time, I am never coming back!”, she declared. “Hear what?”, I gently inquired. So, she explained.
For four weeks in a row she had walked into the narthex and was welcomed by a different smiling greeter with the line, “You must be new here”, as they shoved a bulletin at her. “I am not new here. I am a member here and I’ve been here four weeks in a row! It makes me want to go somewhere else.”
That was probably 15 years ago, and though I retrained all of our greeters instantly, it is the most common comment I get as I visit churches for the first time on Sunday mornings. And it is a mistake. It may seem trivial to people who attend church there every Sunday, but it is not trivial, and it sends many people out the doors never to return again.
First, let’s understand that anyone who comes to your church for the very first time is very aware of everything that goes on. They have a heightened awareness of every word spoken, every action taken, every mistake in the bulletin or video or sound equipment. It sounds trite, but it is fatally true: You get only one chance to make a first impression. The first words spoken by a representative of the church are critical.
Second, the simple statement “You must be new here” is wrong for several reasons.
- It is not a question. It is a statement. You may think it invites conversation, but in reality, it closes off conversation. You have just put someone in their place.
- Not everyone wants to be recognized as new. Today many people want to be quiet anonymous visitors until they decide they want to be recognized. So, this greeting stigmatizes them.
- You might be wrong. As with Sally, you might be talking to someone you simply have not yet met. Not everyone will be offended by that recognition, but some, like Sally, will be.
- It makes people feel defensive. It begins with the word “you”, which almost always has an invisible finger pointed right at the person.
- There is an underlying tone that this isn’t their house. It’s like saying. “Do you really belong here? Have you come to the right place?”
- Even worse is the underlying tone that maybe you aren’t welcome. “You aren’t really one of us. If you were one of us, I would know you.” This is completely offensive.
The simple sentence I teach to greeters is this, “I don’t believe I know you; my name is _______________.” Which must be accompanied by an extended hand inviting a handshake. It accomplishes a host of positive things:
- Though the sentence isn’t a question, it invites a response. After someone says “My name is ___________” the common response is the same.
- While not everyone wants to be recognized, many people like to make new friends. When someone says, “Hi, my name is ________”, they are tendering an opportunity for friendship.
- It begins with a confession from the greeter. “I don’t believe I know you.” Rather than beginning with “you”, it begins with the speaker “I”. The greeter is sharing something about themselves.
- It works with new visitors and long-time members. Regardless of the person’s tenure in the church, the greeter doesn’t know them, but follows the confession by offering to make a new friend. If they have been in the church for twenty years you will have a lot to talk about.
- Because you begin with an invitation to be a friend, your new friend is more likely to ask you questions about the church – also, more likely to ask you questions after church.
- Also, note that you begin the sharing by offering your own name first. Every encounter is based on revealing and discovering. We reveal things about ourselves and we discover things about other people. When the greeter offers to reveal their name first, the visitor has the option of revealing or not. But the greeter takes the first step by sharing their name first.
There are many important factors in a good welcome; however, the first impression is often the first thing someone says to a new visitor. Make sure it does not offend and hopefully extends a warm friendly welcome.